This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been trying to avoid it because I haven’t known how to write it out or make sense of it all, but after having time to think (maybe a little too much time) I finally feel that strength to put my emotions on the table. First let me ask you, have you ever felt like you were in a funk, stuck or just feeling like something was missing in your life? You know that everything else lines up, but there is one thing you can’t move past? Personally I know these feelings too well. I have tried and tried to push experiences; good and bad; deep down and not allow myself to really vocalize it. I’ve been battling fears, anxieties and uncontrolled worries for too long. To some, they have laughed and think that I should just be able to get over it, to others they don’t fully understand and the rest either don’t really care to hear it. Now I am definitely the kind of person who isn’t going to be in your face wanting to discuss all my problems and feelings, I’m just not like that. I am definitely trying to be more open but there is still that subconscious denial that I fight with.
So now I’m here to announce that I am intending to Accept who I am, what I am and everything that comes with my life. I intend to stop dwelling on all the negative things that have happened in my life and focus on all the amazing things that have and will happen. I honestly love my life. I have an amazing husband who truly is my best friend. No, we are not perfect and we both have our flaws but the one thing that I am so grateful for in our relationship and marriage is the fact that we are always there for each other. When I am at my worst, of course it is hard on my husband because he can’t fix my problem but he listens, cares and tells me when I need to get my butt in gear. I’ve been honestly blessed to be able to spend the rest of my life with this man.
They always say with Alcoholics and Drug Addicts that accepting and admitting you have a problem is the first step. I feel that this goes for any issue or struggle you are dealing with in life. If you keep living a life in denial, how can you continue to grow and improve your life? Like Yoda says ” Do or Do Not, there is No Try”. I am always ready to change and I’ve tried so many different therapies and medications to try and just make my anxiety, fears and worries go away. But at the end of the day, if I’m not believing in myself and still self-doubting than things are not going to change. Yes it is embarrassing to have an anxiety issue with driving and going places. Driving used to be my escape. I used to use it as my release when I would go through some of my hardest times in life. Making a mix CD and just turn the volume up and drive wherever the road took me. Sometimes I’d ball my eyes out, sometimes I would just listen and relax. Either way, it was how I managed my emotions.
Today and for the past Seven years, I’ve struggled really hard and have had countless days of wishing I could have that back, why does my anxiety have to be experienced in the car? I don’t feel anymore the need to keep searching for that moment of when and why my anxieties started to increase because honestly I had them even longer than I really started to notice them in full force. Yes I’m sure I could have dealt with them in the past and not be in this situation now, but even with all the negatives, it has brought so many positives. I am a strong woman, I have found a passion and purpose in my life, I’ve succeeded in more things that I never thought I could and I have some pretty amazing people surrounding me and others who inspire me.
I’m not saying I’m cured and ready to hop on the freeway tomorrow, but I know that this journey I’ve been on is for a reason and I have to thank it because I am happy with the Woman I’ve turned out to be. I have some tweaks I need to work on (which I’m sure we all do), but that is the fun in growing and finding yourself. There are going to be many more bad days but there are going to be twice as many good days. Most importantly just live your life to it’s fullest no matter how big or small that is. Be happy and love yourself entirely (flaws and all). Now is the time to accept who you are and don’t give up. Life definitely throws many curve balls but learn from them and don’t be afraid to write or talk about it. There are always going to be others around who either are going to judge you or love you for you. I think I’m going to focus on those who have accepted me and love me for my super hyper moments, my long conversations, my care for others and my moments of laziness 🙂
Now how will you start to Accept yourself and all of it’s Glory?